Dave Sort of Live-Blogs the All-Star Game

(And with MLBGarbage processing time it reaches you in just 6 hours!)

Catching Up @ 9:21 pm:

- Only one inning of Peavy because of a standard issue Ichiro single? LaRussa!

- The best part about the All-Star Game is rooting for the American League while actually hoping all of the Yankees play terribly.

- Annnnnd, Jeter grounded into a double-play! Score one for me.

- Reyes. I can feel his energy through the TV. Bring me some dead batteries. Maybe if I hold them near the TV his smile will bring them to life.

Like Lazarus (if he was batteries.)

9:27: Joe Buck is talking about how Chase Utley represents a change towards stronger offensive 2^nd basemen. “Even catchers are expected to hit more,” he says. So…maybe hitters are stronger across the board these days? The conditioning, the medicine, better focus on the strike zone, taking more walks, wider talent pool etc.?

9:34: Dan Haren. AL ERA leader or indie rock frontman? Seriously I’m pretty sure he opened for Wolf Parade last year.

9:37: $90-100 million for 5 years??!? Ichiro? PECOTA can be kind of conservative but it projects he’ll average like 3.2 extra wins a year during that period. Even accounting for the kind of international interest and revenue the dude brings in that is batshit insane money for ages 34-38 of a guy known for tons of singles and speed. But I guess he does plan to pitch eventually…

9:51: Take that NY Post! The Pepsi Clutch Report says A-Rod is plenty clutch! Also they say Pepsi is “the walk-off thirst homer you need for those close and late beverage situations!”

10:04: What was that? Sorry I dozed off a little during Joe Buck and Tim McCarver’s incredibly well-worn “everybody juiced their brains out for the past 10 years…but I guess we’ll never really know…but they definitely did” routine.

10:08: Ha. “Battle of Thermopylae II.” You still got it McCarver. I just like to imagine him fumbling over note-cards after Joe Buck layed up that 300 joke. “What?? I know those letters but they don’t make any sense like that!” A college intern starts pointing to objects to help him sound it out.

“Therm…(but forget the “ometer”)…mop…um…mop? Yeah it’s for cleaning…listen it’s…yes, it’s really called a mop…no, stop saying thermopeter!...ok, just, focus…thermop…then pole…then ee! Ther-mop-pole-ee! (claps all around)”

10:11: Jesus…how much coke does Eric Byrnes do? All of it? Oh ok.

10:13: Wow. Forget what I said about Ichiro. First inside the park homer in ASG History? Give that man $40 million a year!

10:28: Big Daddy Craw goes deep! Crawman Jones! Hot Carl!

(Wait scratch that last one.)

10:47: I get it, Saito’s good. Also did McCarver said something like, “Saito…37 years old…1^st ASG appearance…he’s been waiting for this for a long time!” Um. He’s only played 1 full season in the U.S. I mean, maybe back in Japan he was dreaming about being a part of the 2 ½ hour advertising orgy Fox has turned the game into. But I don’t know that and neither does McCarver. For all we know he’s profoundly depressed that he’s involved in something that kicked off with a Taco Bell giveaway.

11:04: First NL strikeout. This is actually pretty surprising, even considering the AL’s offensive powerhouse-ness. Peavy, Hamels and Young are 1^st-3^rd in the NL in K/9 among pitchers with at least 100 innings pitched. But whatever. Miniscule sample size exhibition game.

11:08: Hey remember when Pudge Rodriguez started the All Star Game even though Victor Martinez (along with most other AL catchers) was the better choice and then Martinez hit a 2-run dinger? I’m just saying.

11:32: Ugh. A-Rod vs. Varitek! The brawl that led the Red Sox to a World Series win! Why didn’t Fox show their standard montage set to Rage Against the Machine?

11:46: Thanks a lot Soriano (and to a lesser extent Putz.) I was just sprucing up the jokes, yawning off another year of AL dominance and getting ready to go to sleep.

11:57: What did I say K-Rod?? I’ve got work tomorrow! I’d call you BB-Rod if it didn’t sound like a new dish at Arby’s.

12:05: Ichiro as MVP? That’s cool. Wait he still doesn’t speak English? Roll him back to $20 million a year.