Preseason Cheat Sheet Straight from Bud Selig’s Desk

AL East
1. Boston Red Sox: Too sexy for 2nd place.
2. NY Yankees: Sorry, keeping a couple random prospects doesn’t make your team young again. 3. Toronto Blue Jays: They just never are going to make it are they.
4. Baltimore Orioles: Couple bright spots keep them out of last.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Only team with more young talented hitters than the D-Backs. If they had the Marlin’s luck they’d probably win the World Series this year. But they don’t, and they won’t.

AL Central
1. Minnesota Twins: The Tigers are primed for a drop-off, and the Twins will have just enough to pull it out.
2. Detroit Tigers: Offseason moves keep them from dropping off too much.
3. Chicago White Sox: How did so many innings-eaters and all or nothing hitters get on one team?
4. Cleveland Indians: The top of their roster could compete with any team, but the bottom is pretty awful.
5. Kansas City Royals: Teahen, Greinke, and pray for Alex Gordon.

AL West
1. Oakland: It’s going to be a close race again this year but Crosby, Chavez, and Harden will finally lead the way instead of holding them back.
2. Anaheim Angels: Lots of good pitching, not a bat to be found.
3. Texas Rangers: This team bores me. C’mon Teixeira win an MVP already.
4. Seattle: Sorry Felix, you’re destined to be the Kevin Garnett of baseball.

NL East
1. NY Mets: They’ve got that competitive spirit that wins games! Also money. Lots and lots of money.
2. Atlanta: Still teetering between playoff threat and complete collapse.
3. Philadelphia Phillies: To Jimmy Rollins, you ain’t winning squat this year. Have you looked at your pitching staff?
4. Florida Marlins: Not far from the Phillies, but will regress some.
5. Washington Nationals: Very far from the Marlins. Oh my the pitching is bad.

NL Central
1. Milwaukee Brewers: My craziest prediction ever. This is the year, the Brew Crew’s taking it.
2. St. Louis Cardinals: Remind me of the Braves in a lot of ways, they will struggle to make the playoffs.
3. Chicago Cubs: Hard to gauge this team, so many new, shiny, expensive players must mean more wins right?
4. Houston Astros: Stop pretending! You’re not contenders any more, and you’re not really that close.
5. Cincinnati Reds: Ditto, except you were never contenders.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: What’s tougher than being a Pirates fan?

NL West
1. San Diego Padres: Picked ‘em in a close call last year and they won so I’m doing it again this year. Peavy will bounce back.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers: Red Sox west misses the playoffs this year.
3. Arizona Diamondbacks: They will own this division in due time.
4. Colorado Rockies: They’ve got more young talent than you think.
5. San Francisco Giants: They pay Zito $100 million and finish last. Barry Bonds breaks the most hallowed record in baseball and everyone boos. What a year…